b&w flower

(no subject)

It's actually quite interesting being forced to use the internet outside of your own home. Verizon is being a royal douche with our internet and as it is my escape and I'm ridiculously stressed, I've been up at Paneras since about 9 this morning. We are heading past hour 3 too and it will be time for me to eat again soon so they don't look at me like I'm insane.

It exploded here around 11 and the people were...entertaining to say the least. And kids are just obnoxious, but I already knew that so moving on. I've counted 3 brides here meeting with either a wedding planner or a photographer. It reminds me that I need to save money, get myself a better camera and equipment so I could try my hand at that. I am good at taking photos but I know that there is a lot of competition and my crappy digital is not going to cut it with everyone having DSLR's. Though I do have my good film camera but that is something else all together at this point. No one wants film anymore, even though I think eve with the advancements in digital, they still lack some soul.

Next week is Natalie's wedding and I'm just in all out stress mode. People have asked me what I will do when it is mine and well, that is probably never happening so I'm not actually concerned about it. But the bachelorette party is supposed to be tonight and I"m not so sure I am going to go. I had good plans for it, because no one else could be bothered, but then they all decided they had no money to do it with. So now it's a stupid house party and I'm just annoyed. I'm okay with broken plans, I am, but for it to be a stupid house party at someone's house? That is just...annoying. At least we could go out to a bar. But no of course not. I'll probably end up going for a little bit so Natalie doesn't hate me but I really don't want to.

Other then that life is...life. I have a temp job that will probably be turning permanent sometime but I'm not so thrilled with that. The money sucks and it's a long drive but a job is a job at this point. I just would really like to catch a break, but then again so would a lot of people at this point.

I just feel incredibly stuck in a rut. I need a change, but I need money for that change. I'm doing okay with staying on top of bills but I can't get ahead of them at this point. Not to mention the fact that in all of this I still haven't gotten the chance to move out. So I can't even do that. I think if I could get out of the same house that I've grown up in would be helpful, maybe even just give me what I need at this point but that even can't happen.

And I know this is whiny but really I can't help it. I can't even be at home right now with the DSL out. Someone want to loan me some wi-fi?
HELLO sexy geno

Is this thing on?

It has been an obnoxiously long time since I have written an update in here. And truth be told, I am not entirely sure why I am doing one now. It is probably more of a frustration dump then anything else.

My life has been in a tailspin lately and I hope that it can stop soon, but I'm not really sure how much more I can take. I have always had anxiety issues, but it's just getting worse and worse at this point. I'm sure that most people couldn't blame me considering a lot of things. But it needs to stop or I am going to go insane.

I'm currently in between jobs. I was 'separated' from my previous job at the end of April. I took some time to look and I thought I had found one that I was going to like. Boy, I was wrong. After a month I had to get out of there. So it's landed me here. I've had plenty of interviews and I am always down to the last two candidates at this point, which can I say just drives me insane? I have serious issues with self-esteem as it is. Continually knowing that I'm not good enough to be me apparently, is not helping how I am feeling anymore.

On top of all of this, my best friend since 3rd grade is getting married in October. I suspect I'll never really see her again after the wedding actually happens as she had all but fallen off the face of the earth when she started to date him 6 years ago. We can't hang out with at least a few phone calls between them and it drives me insane. But I can't say anything because it only pisses her off.

Of course I smiled and was excited for her, gladly accepting being maid-of-honor. So while all of this other stress is going on, I'm planning the shower. I wanted to do it on my own, but I've hit a few snags. And while I didn't want the other bridesmaids involved, I'm trying now and I'm not getting anywhere. I can't afford the hall and I know I'm only going to get something from one of them. It's so frustrating and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do at this point. My mom has been a ridiculously large help and has picked up costs I never wanted her to. And I will pay her back, but at this point the money is due in a week or so and I just...can't.

It has been a really long time since I've been depressed like this. High school, or maybe a year or so in college. But I feel hopeless at this point. I try not to be this negative, but I just can't anymore. I don't go out, I can't afford it. Not that it matters, because my friends are all married (or getting married) and have kids. I'm still single with no real hope. Because who would want a fat, hopeless mess like me?

At the very least, I need it to be October. I need to focus on something like hockey that makes me happy. But if I haven't found something by then? I just might be dead.
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated

(no subject)

That is all.

Hi. Or something. I have an update brewing in my head for a change, but we'll see. I doubt anyone even still reads my livejournal even when I do update.
b&w flower

(no subject)

So, I have today and tomorrow off from work. I wake up this morning and I have a voicemail from work. Want to take bets how many more calls I'll have by Sunday?
b&w flower

(no subject)

The first six people to respond to this post will get something made by me.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:
- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
- What I create will be just for you.
- It'll be done this year (2009).
- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a mix CD. It may be a poem. I may draw or paint something. I might bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well, if you expect me to do something for you
b&w flower

Because I'm hardcore bored

If you've seen over 85 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, paste this as a note. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
() Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddles
() Airplane
Total: 5

(x) The Princess Bride
() Anchorman
(x ) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
(x ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
() Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 12

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x ) Scream 3
(x ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 19

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
() Little Black Book
() The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 25

(x) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
() Signs
() The Grinch
(x ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(x ) White Chicks
() Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
() I, Robot
() Robots
Total so far: 29

(x ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
() Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
( x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
( x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
Total so far: 34

( x) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( x) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
() Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
(x ) Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
(x ) Halloween
(x ) The Ring
() The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
() Flubber
Total so far: 39

(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x ) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 42

(x ) The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x ) Just Married
() Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
( x) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) The Grudge 2
(x ) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 48

( ) Bad Boys
() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
() Ocean's Eleven
() Ocean's Twelve
() Bourne Identity
() Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
() Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
() Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George
Total so far: 48

(x) Independence Day
() Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(x ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(x) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
( ) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 53

( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x ) She's All That
(x Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
( ) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x ) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
() The Terminator
() The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
Total so far: 59

() X-Men
() X-2
() X-3
(x) Spider-Man
() Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
(x ) Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
( x) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
(x ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 68

( x) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 71

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 77

() Baseketball
( ) Hostel
( ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
() Highlander
( x) Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far: 78

( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
( ) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
() Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
Total so far: 80

( ) High Tension
() Club Dread
( ) Hulk
() Dawn Of the Dead
(x ) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
( x) 28 days later
( ) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
() Waterworld
Total so far: 83

(x ) Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
( ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness
Total so far: 85

(x ) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
( x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 91 (but I was forced to see all 6 of these, so I null these in actual count)

() The Matrix
( ) The Matrix Reloaded
( ) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
() Evil Dead
( ) Evil Dead 2
( ) Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
( ) Silence of the Lambs
() Hannibal

Total: 85
b&w flower

(no subject)

tagged by frizzwhispers

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.

B) Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.
whoever wants to do it

What are your nicknames?
none really. In high school it was either Da (amandDA) or Der.

How do you style your hair?
Mostly its air dried and curly. But if I get a crazy idea I'll flat iron it.

What's the last book you read?
Skinny Bitch is the last book I finished. Right now I"m reading Running With Scissors

What colour shirt are you wearing now?

Are you an introvert or extrovert?
eh, 6 of one half a dozen of another

Mozilla Firefox or Internet Explorer?

Do you nap a lot?
Sometimes. But with my schedule I can't afford to nap most of the time.

Who was the last person you hugged?
Angela's grandma when I saw her at the mall.

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
www.lushusa.com The best stuff I've ever used. My hair has never looked better and my skin is slowly but surely whipping into shape

What was the last thing you ate today?
a doughnut

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
10 minutes tops.

What websites do you visit daily?
Gmail, Facebook.com, Livejournal

What's the last movie you watched?
watching Running with Scissors right now

Do you like to clean?
it really depends what I am cleaning. But I do enjoy some of it.

What time is your usual bedtime?
Haha. I'm in bed by 9 most days. When you have to be up at 4:50 in the morning and function for at least 6 hours, you need sleep.

What cell phone model do you own?
LG Dare

What is your favourite weather?
Hot, July and August. It's the only time of year that I'm not freezing.

How are you?
I'm sitting on my feet trying to thaw them out without putting them to sleep. And yes, I have socks on.

Where would you see yourself in ten years?
No clue. At all. My only want for myself in 10 years is to be married.